In the cycle of give and receive, receiving is more difficult to do. To give something you just need to put your hand out and give something. To receive, you first have to accept it, and that means you have to open yourself up. Otherwise it cannot get in. If you accept something it becomes part of you, and you don’t owe anything for it. There was an offer made and you accepted it. Also, to receive you need to let go of control in order to allow something in, and most people have difficulty doing that.
Often giving is a function of selfishness, of feeling superior. You may have a feeling that someone is poor and because you have money, you are going to help them. That is why sometimes people resent it if you give them something. They feel that you are putting them down or showing them that you have more than they do. That is why it is difficult to accept things.
Often, giving is misunderstood with helping. And Helping is misunderstood as assisting. When you are assisting, there is a mutual exchange, a sharing, though it is obvious that one person has more expertise in an area than the other one does.
Yet helping does not have the mutual exchange to it, it has a sense of one over another, or even a ‘taking away’ from the other. When we help someone we are often taking away their consequences, and then they will continue to keep doing the same things. And they often repeat the actions expecting you to keep helping them. So you are both caught in the same trap. And you are the one who suffers the consequences of their actions, and they are going along without a care in the world. They don’t get the consequences because the consequences are being taken away by your helping them. Their actions often get worse and worse because they didn’t get the consequences they needed, so they keep attracting the same situations over and over in order to get them. When you step in and interfere with that, bailing them out, you are doing them and you more harm than good.
As long as you take someone else’s consequences away, you take the suffering along with it. There is a certain thing about suffering that people don’t realize. When the ones you think you are helping don’t reap the consequences, or suffering, it is kind of like bliss. They are in a bubble, numb to what is going on. You are helping them because you don’t want them to suffer, so you are OK with suffering for them. Yet you don’t realize they will eventually have to do it, and they will make it harder and harder until they do. Until you are completely discontent with their suffering, you will continue to suffer.
If you really care about someone, allow them to take the consequences of their actions, allow them to be who they are. When you take the consequences of their actions away from them, you are not allowing them to be them. You are actually killing them by doing this, and it is very difficult to see that because you think you are helping them and being a “good” for what you are doing. Sometimes you might feel like you deserve to have their suffering, as in doing something for your child, that it is your duty as a mother or father to take away their suffering, yet it is hurting them to do that. You are actually the one causing more problems for them. Maybe you feel guilty because you think you were a bad parent, or you weren’t there for them when they were little. Whatever the reason, it is important to see that now that they are adults, and it is time to let them go and allow them to have whatever consequences they need to in order for both of you to be free.
Sometimes we attract trauma and drama into our lives in order to cause discontent in our lives because we need this discontentment in order to motive us. It may even cause a transformation though it is not necessary to keep attracting the trauma and drama. We can notice that we have had all that in the past and use it as our motivation/transformation point. Since we haven’t ended it, it is not complete; and we will continue to attract it, Yet, we don’t have to wait for it to come again. We can end it now.
Control starts when you are told to lie, usually by your parents. You were told that what and who you are is not “good” and that you need to be/do something different. Then you had to learn to control yourself, control your natural behavior in order to conform to whatever/whoever your parents wanted you to be. They wanted you to be polite, and often that included lying. You were forced to not be who you were, and you had to put controls on yourself in order to be someone else. Since that time, you have been controlling yourself; and once you were able to control yourself, that opened up for anyone to control you, as control is now active in you.
Notice what is going on in your life (as in control or any other context), and how you are in your life. Just observe it. As I said earlier, observation of something transforms that which is observed. Just watch it. Compassion allows you to be what it is you see.
Guilt makes you sad or sorry and keeps those feelings in place, making you hold onto them. You might feel guilty that you weren’t a good parent, yet holding onto it doesn’t help them. It actually continues to harm them and you. See that it was a mutual action between you and your child. You held out the bait (whatever you did). Compassion would say, “Yes, I offered the bait, just as I was offered bait from my parents, and that is 100% my responsibility. Then they took it, as I did when I was a child.” When they take it, it is their responsibility. But if you offer the bait and they take it and then you try to take it back or take away their consequences, they can never take the responsibility. And until they take the responsibility, they can never do anything about it. They are stuck, trapped. And you are as well.
You can say that they didn’t know any better since they were just young child, yet that is just an excuse you use to allow yourself to keep taking care of them, for feeling guilty. You are an adult you still don’t know any better either. We are all trapped in the same programming. You took the bait just like they did, and unless you are taking 100% responsibility for it, you are still trapped as well. The child took whatever you gave them, and then went out and lived their own life, yet if you keep doing and giving to them, they will never be allowed to live their own life. If you feel guilty and hold onto the pain, then you are not allowing them to live their own life. Let them go so they can live, set them and yourself free.