Most people were brought up with anger and yelling in their homes, and they think that is normal. Some think they cannot have a relationship with someone unless there is anger and yelling. They don’t know what it will be like without it, and there is resistance to doing something that is unknown. Even if the partner doesn’t want to get in an argument, sometimes they are forced into it by the manner in which the other acts. And, sometimes the one who is used to arguing won’t be happy in their relationship until the other is fighting and abusive to them. That, to them, is the way a relationship should be. So, this is why this is all so difficult. Most people do not realize that they actually want this kind of relationship even though they say they don’t. And, you might leave that person, thinking it is them causing the problems only to get with somebody else and the same problems arise.
Perhaps, see if you can end the fight with whatever level of energy is needed to end the fight, and not try to end the fight by pushing back/against. Do it without returning the violence with violence. See what you can do to end the fight without fighting, especially with someone who wants to start a fight.
We live in a world that is upside down, that says one thing and does another. We are told to tell the truth and then told to be polite (which is saying to lie). The rules that we are brought up with keep changing. The real truth about all of us mentally is that we are confused, and control is part of that confusion. We feel we need to control ourselves in order to tell the lies we are forced to tell and to keep up with the rules as they keep changing. Once we enter the world of control (even of ourselves), we are then susceptible to being controlled by anyone and everyone. We are lost and confused.
In a true relationship, the giving of you to the other individual is the key. Yet there are so many controls set up for that not to happen, controls placed on us by society and by ourselves. For example, many females think that the only thing a male wants is sex, so they use sex to get the male, and then once they are together or married, they withhold the sex or place conditions on it. That is confusion causing control which causes more confusion.
And we control ourselves by not speaking out what we need to say with each other which cause stress and disharmony in the relationships. You cannot have internal peace if you are not allowed to say what you need to say. We even control ourselves from speaking the truth of ourselves to ourselves.
Often females (more than males) feel that if they give up control then they will lose themselves (who they are) in a relationship. And, yet that might be the exact thing that needs to happen. Unfortunately they are often with a partner who doesn’t have an acceptance of that and will take advantage of it. Even though that might be very scary, I say to give up that control, and keep doing it. Many females stop themselves from giving up control for fear of being abused, and then they get to that place where they won’t go any further. They back off from that place and never get beyond it. Giving yourself with an expectation is not giving.
Giving up yourself is scary because you might disappear, and I am suggesting that is what you might care to experience. The “you” that will disappear is where all your anger, shame, sadness, fear, control, etc. lives.
It is the same with receiving, as we cannot give any more than we can receive and vice versa. I am not talking just sexually although many people might mistake this giving and receiving in that domain of activity. You might think that the sexual act is the opening I am speaking of, yet it is not that. I am speaking of the psychological equivalent which is an opening of the mind to let/accept someone else in. If someone says that something is one thing, and you see it is something else, just allow it to be whatever the other person says it is without controlling it or making them wrong and you right. Accept it without arguing.
The passive female (letting go of control) is actually what is needed for the male and female joining together. Many females reading this might take offense and want to resist and argue as they have been working for years to get out of that stereotype. And, yes, that is so, but relationships are getting worse rather than better. It is because the female is (re)acting in resistance to this, which is making it worse.
Once this letting go of control happens and the female does it without resistance or without feeling forced to it, then it will go both ways — the male will join in. But it has to be the female first as that is how our reality is set up. Females might think that is what they have been doing all their lives already, yet the fact is that they have been resisting and arguing, not actually giving up their control.
It is not a question of the female acquiescing to a male; it is to acquiesce to yourself and to life itself. Acquiescence needs to happen before you even get with a male, as it is with yourself and to yourself. It is giving up your need to be right; your need to be smart. If you give up your self (your ego), what you will lose is all your pain, suffering, misery, anger — all the things you say you don’t want in your life any more.