If you feel guilty about something it is because you did something which was not true to yourself. So you have a “feeling” you label as guilt, and that is there so you are aware of what you did and can look at it. Then you can speak the truth of it and take responsibility for it, which ends the guilt. But, if you have the guilt feeling and have an excuse for your actions, then the guilt gets stuck inside and festers and eats you alive and makes your whole life miserable.
When you see you are not treating your partner as you feel they care to be treated, or have not opened yourself up to him or her, then you might feel guilty about that. If you have an excuse for it, e.g., you don’t like men and he represents all men to you, then you cannot open because of that, and that guilt will continue. This way you keep having the guilt, and you keep perpetuating the action that causes the guilt, thus compounding it. If you hold any resentment towards anyone, especially your partner, for whatever reason, you will never be able to come together in a complete partnership.
Part of the problem, or possibly the whole problem, is that men belong to the “men’s club” and the women belong to the “women’s club.” I mean that men usually get together and talk about “men stuff” and women get together and talk about “women’s stuff.” And it is not that they just talk about it; they believe all the labels that are placed on a man and on a woman. Those beliefs in the labels cause the separation that exists between them. Until this separation is ended, there will always be problems in any man/woman relationship.
My suggestion is for you to drop out of the woman’s or men’s club. This can start linguistically by saying, “I drop out of the men (or) women’s club.” Then watch every time you do or say something that might be considered sexist. Both these clubs include a hatred for the other, and even if it is subtle, it is there, as well as fear and anger. Men don’t understand women, and women don’t understand men; and never the twain shall meet (or so we think).
If you are a member of the men’s club every woman is inferior to you. If you are a member of the women’s club every man is inferior to you. All of that includes the “conspiracy of ineffectiveness,” and by that I mean everyone is being conditioned by a violent world to be violent. We treat each other poorly, and then have an excuse for doing it.
The other day I had someone come by to mow the lawn, and he brought his children with him. A boy and a girl jumped out of their truck, and the boy was complaining about something the girl said. The father said to the boy, “She’s a girl. You got to expect dumb stuff from them.”
The battle, this separation of the sexes, starts as early as birth by treating boys differently than girls and vice-versa. We are taught to think that women are one way and men are another way, and that won’t end until we drop being a member of the men/women’s clubs.
Often we know what the other person cares for us to do to bring us closer to our partner, yet we don’t do it or we don’t want to do it. This often drives them further apart. Something stops us from getting closer. It is crazy. We think we know what will bring us together, yet we will not do it.
Someone told me that she actually got pleasure out of not doing what she knew her partner wanted from her, that she had wanted to sabotage and ruin every relationship she had ever been in. She has done it with every relationship, and she has seen that she gets a pleasure out of it, even though it also brings her pain. All of that is because she needs to control things, and not giving someone what she knows they care to have puts her in control. And she feels she has won when the person leaves. She knows that being nice to him would bring them closer together and make a lasting relationship, but being nasty means that she is control and the boss. I question why she even gets into relationships at all if she is going to run the male out of her life.
Maybe there is a fear of being hurt, and if she is in control, then she thinks she will not be hurt. Also, maybe she thinks the person is going to leave her anyway, and if she was doing the best she could and the person left anyway, then that would be more devastating than if her partner left because she was mean to him. That would be an excuse she could live with, whereas, the other would be too painful. Her ego and vanity could not let her be the one who was hurt if it wasn’t her who drove him away.
She has said that no man has ever been able to get along with her, and if she allows “getting along” to happen, then that would make her wrong, and she cannot allow herself to be wrong no matter what. That is how convoluted these things get. She is going to run him out of her life so that she can be right — that no man can get along with her.
If something is not going the way we think it should, then we are often getting a benefit, a payment, for what we are doing. Often it is so convoluted that we cannot see it. Her payment, her benefit, is that she gets to be right. She will ruin every relationship she is in just to be right.
She wants to make sure that no man would ever get the upper hand, and for that she needs to be in control. She was brought up with many brothers who abused her and from early childhood she made sure that no boy/man would be better than she was. She was told she was stupid, so she makes sure that the men know she is smart and that they are the stupid ones. Now she cannot allow a man to get close because that would require her being open and letting someone else in. She got hurt every time she did that as a child, so now she is making sure she will not get hurt again.
The only way of not being hurt is to actually open up yourself. To say that you opened up to someone and they hurt you is an oxymoron. If you were open, the hurt would have gone right on through you because you were completely open. When you are completely open, you don’t hold on to anything. The only thing that can get hurt is an ego. The ego is what says “I am smarter, I am better, I cannot be wrong, and I have to be right.”
Probably all women would really care to be open, but they were taught to believe there was only one way to do that, and that was through sex. Maybe you did let them into you sexually, but you blocked them from being with you in every other way. Women have the right action, but most just don’t put the mind and the body and emotions together. The body was open, but the mind/emotions were staying closed. Most females keep doing it over and over wondering why it isn’t working. It is far more difficult to offer yourself to another than to offer your body. Yet, you think when you are offering the body, that is also offering all of you, but you have caused a division between your body and mind, and from early childhood, the body/mind has not been fused. The body is doing one thing and the mind is doing another.
You think you are going to be hurt, and the only thing that can be hurt is an ego. And an ego is an illusion that you are right about something. When someone tries to “stab” your belief – no matter how crazy or convoluted that belief might be – that is when you get hurt. Other than a physical pain, that is the only way you can get hurt. It is the ego wanting to protect itself; to be sure it is being right.
The hurt is the stabbing of the ego. The only thing ego wants is to be right. People will ruin every relationship they have ever had, they will go to prison, they will ruin their own lives, and they will even kill another person— all to make sure that they stay right.
Everything has a payoff, a benefit. If losing the person you are with lets you be right, then you think it is worth it. People will do anything not to admit that they are wrong. No matter the consequences, we all have to stay right.
You might think that you have a fear of being hurt, but it is actually a fear of being wrong. You don’t want your beliefs to be wrong. That is the cause of all your psychological pain and suffering. It is the cause of all wars — one side believes they are right and the other side is wrong. That is what causes all violence, anger, jealousy, greed and malice in the world.
When you can speak the truth about making a mistake or being wrong or failing, that is when you can finally end all of this.