Some people say they want transformation, yet want is not a strong enough motivation. The next step up from want is need; then comes necessity; then essential; and then, “I am either going to die or get this.” That is the progression towards motivation.
For transformation you probably need to get to the latter stage or have no motivation at all. Having no motivation at all comes spontaneously from complete discontent if there is no part of your life you are content with.
If you are struggling for breath and you cannot get it, you will do anything to get it. That is the place you need to be in order to transform your life. It means that you care to discover your life to the point that you are willing to give up your life. When I use the word death, I need to be cautious, as I am talking about the death of the ego, a psychological death. I mean to die to your personality, the conditioned program you invented in order to live in this reality. Die to the attachment you have to the illusion of your life.
It seems strange to me that people have such an attachment and difficulty in giving up their egos since that is where all the pain, the suffering, the agony, the misery, the defeatism, and the whole thing about the world lives. Most people who have had a transformational experience stated that they had reached a point where they wanted to die to end their suffering. There is a way of reaching that point, which is to speak the truth. If you always speak the truth, you are always cornered, so to speak. I mean cornered by the truth. When you lie, you are not cornered; for you can always tell another lie to get out of things. It is almost impossible to corner a liar. They have many excuses or another lie to cover up the first lie.
When you speak the truth, you are cornered; and that is when your ego explodes. It’s not like it is a choice, but you look at it and say, “I either lie or speak the truth and possibly die.” You are the only one who knows the truth. When you see the truth, admit it to yourself each time you see it. The first time you speak the truth is the death of it. After that, each time it appears it is the residue that needs to be cleared out by speaking the truth anew because each little piece of the residue also has the possibility of re-manifestation. Each little piece gets harder and harder to see as they get smaller and smaller.
So you need to speak the truth each time it appears, or you might fall back into the residue again. It gets more difficult if you are still lost in the world of the conditioned program as you are not aware of what you are saying and doing in the moment, so these pieces are not seen. This is where self-consequence is so powerful because if you tell a lie to someone, and you have a commitment to speak the truth, you know you are going to have to turn right back around and tell them the truth. You are going to have to say, “I just lied.” This will probably keep you from telling lies, and that is what I mean by self-consequence or giving yourself a consequence in the moment. So you have put yourself in the corner, at least in terms of speaking the truth.
Sometimes it is difficult to see the truth, to see those smaller pieces that arise. If you have a partner in your life, someone who you have a relationship with, possibly they can assist you in seeing these things, at least until you can see it yourself. But do not become dependent on them, and do not make them responsible for doing it for you, as you need to be able to do it yourself. People can get used to others doing things for them, and then they become dependent on them and cannot do anything on their own. Sometimes we think we are helping people by giving them things, yet it is detrimental because then they expect it and become dependent on it.
You could liken it to someone throwing you a life raft if you are drowning, and then they start to pull you ashore. You can either just let them drag you along, or you can assist them by kicking and learning how to swim along the way until you are able to let go and swim to shore by yourself. You will then be free, no longer dependent on that life raft or the other person.
It is ironic that if you get everything you need and have most everything you want in this life, and you feel content with things, there is no real drive towards transformation. Then if you don’t have those things, you are so busy going out to get them that you don’t have time for transformation. That is the reason transformation isn’t necessarily a big thing on most people’s minds. They are either content or trying to get content. And most people are not really content at all, yet they are content with their discontentment. They do not see it, so I say for you to see that you are discontent. Some people are so wrapped up in the drama and trauma of their lives that they cannot see their discontent.
You might just start out assuming that in whatever context you see your life, be it unworthy, or controlling, or vain, or victim – whatever it is, that context is in everything that you do and say. So notice everything you do and say and ask yourself if that is what you are being (unworthy, vain, controlling, victim, ect)?” Chances are in the beginning the answer will be “YES.”
Throw the baby out with the bathwater and then notice there is a baby there. Then maybe you go pick up the baby and see that the baby is dirty and needs to be cleaned or that it needs new clothes. What started your ability to see it is throwing it all out, starting clean and new. This is seeing that all of your life is that context. Even when you are not controlling, that is control (control as the context) because control is controlling control.
Because the ego/mind is very tricky, it will climb on top of itself. That is how tricky thought is. The mind will trap you into thinking you are not controlling while you are being controlling. Even the discovery of your control is controlling you unless you continue to discover control as it shows up in your life. It is no longer control then. That is the action of discovering control (or whatever context you are looking at in your life).
Seeing your actions in the moment of the happening is what I call “when the rubber hits the road.” If you are constantly aware, you will see these things automatically. If you are trying to be or working on being constantly aware, it will wear you out. The effort to stay aware is an effort and will actually cease awareness.
When you discover the context in your life, you will see the most obvious things. And if you continue to look you will see the less obvious ones. Others can probably see it in you, but it has been hidden to you, and those are the ones you will then discover. The things that we hide from ourselves — those are the tricky parts. That is why you have to discover what you actually are in order to tell the truth.
First there is the discovery of your unworthiness or control or vanity, etc. , and then there is the discovery of all the places you are unworthy, controlling or vain. Step one is the most difficult part because even though your life is being lived in this context, you haven’t been able to see it. It is like not seeing the forest for the trees. It is so much there, so much a part of you, so big that you cannot see it and think it is normal. Then to discover where you are feeling unworthy, controlling or vain becomes the next step. It will be everywhere, yet you cannot see it. So unless you have the intent to see yourself, you will miss it. You could state in the present, “I am discovering. “ rather than saying, “I have discovered.” This puts your discovery in the present, not in the past.
To be someone new doesn’t mean to start being someone different. It means to discover who you are. There is a cliché that states “be who you are,” so be who you are and observe it. When you discover yourself, that will be the transformation of you. I am not talking about that one big moment of “wham, I am transformed.” I am saying that each thing you discover about yourself will transform itself by the discovery of it. The observation of something transforms what you are observing instantly. See the completeness of being unworthy or vain or controlling, and it will transform/die.
Noticing your context starts its death/transformation, yet it is still “alive.” You killed the core of it, yet it still has many branches and roots that need to be found and exposed. While you do this have compassion for yourself, as you will probably notice some things come up that are not so pleasant or shows how you have done harm to others and yourself. On the other side of tears is a free gift, if you allow the tears to flow completely.